So here I am again, I need to get something off my chest. Whenever I feel like needing to get something off my chest I start writing. No one except myself will probably read this but that's okay, i just need to give my feelings a certain place.
Yesterday I felt my heart literally breaking. I've felt it before but never this hard... I could feel it break in a thousand little pieces. I'm just going to tell what happened the last 4 months. In november I found an old friend from elementary school on Facebook. I just sent him a friend request with no intentions whatsoever. He accepted it and that same night we started chatting for hours and it was a very nice conversation. More conversations followed and you probably already get it - i fell for him. We went to the movies, just like 2 good friends and I had an amazing time. Meanwhile we kept on chatting and went to the stage of flirting with each other. And I was falling very hard for him. Not to say that I was crazy about him. About 3 weeks ago we went to the movies for a second time and when he brought me back home we talked for hours about everything and I could say that he made me feel like no one else had ever made me feel before. The night ended and nothing had happened, but that didn't make me sad, cause I just had one of the most amazing nights of my life. The day after he left for France for a week, and we started texting. There he told me that we should be together. I was in seventh heaven of course, as you can imagine. So I asked him: "Where do we go from here now?" and he answered me: "I'll make that clear when I get back :)". The next day I woke up with this huge smile on my face. 3 months of waiting and finally we got to the point where I wanted us to be for such a long time. After that I waited another 2 weeks until last friday when I went to his house. We talked and played the guitar, just enjoying ourselves. Then he put on a movie and we were laying really close to each other. There was chemistry (well apparantly just from my side, i know now). Suddenly he kissed me and at that moment it was like we were the only 2 people in the world and nothing else mattered. Those 15 minutes until I had to leave were like magic. Something I had never felt before. I finally got what I wanted after 4 months of waiting, and it felt damn good. But isn't there just always a catch? Or don't they say: it's too good to be true? I guess I figured out why people say that. On Sunday I invited him over but he didn't come, which already seemed quite strange to me. It made me doubt wether or not we were together. But - hey - didn't he say we should be together and he was going to make it clear to me? And didn't he kiss me? So I kind of assumed we had gotten to that stage. On Monday everything was alright again, he was flirty, he even talked about the future. And Wednesday it was like a bomb dropping on me. He told me that I was imagining things... I was at the tennis court then, ready for an hour of good fun and playing tennis. But then I read this text and as I said before, i could literally feel my heart breaking. It was as if I was choking. I tried to pretend nothing was going on, but tears were in my eyes. I could keep it up for an hour, although I felt sick. I literally felt sick. After that hour I texted him back. So I said: well EXCUSE me for thinking that there was something after you said we ought to be together, you were going to make it clear to me and then you kissed me. And then I am imagining things? His answer was: well i'm difficult. And I said: well apparantly you are. Why did you say that? And his answer was: I say so many things. So I asked: what was friday to you then? And his answer was: I don't know. I got home, took a bath and burst out into tears. Guys - honestly THINK BEFORE YOU ACT. Don't just go kissing girls and expecting there will be no consequences. Don't play with someone's heart. Cause that's what I feel like. I feel played with. Good enough for a half an hour of fun but nothing more. I'm now at a stage where I don't know what to say anymore, I feel like the Script described so perfectly: What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay. And it gets to me more and more every minute (I like it when songs describe what I'm feeling so mentioning Robyn here is a perfect description of what I'm feeling) "That you never were and you never will be mine."
It makes me wonder wether or not he's aware of what he has done to me. You cannot just go saying to a girl that you should be together and then just say: I say so many things. That is NOT the way it works. That's just giving someone false hope. That's just giving someone something to believe in that just ends up being nothing but a LIE. "The best part of believe is the lie." (I never felt like this one until now). So it's not because you have issues that I have to suffer from it. I'm more than that. And I'm definitely worth more than that. Once again, think before you act. Cause whatever you do, whatever decision you make, always has consequences. And think about people you might hurt while doing that.