I know I can't expect anything. I know he doesn't owe me anything. There's no obligations. I bet he doesn't even know. But still, I get upset. And still I get angry. I know I don't have the right to be. But I just can't help it. It gets the better of me. Constant highs and lows, and I don't know how to deal with it.
Is it the distance? Is it the timing? Is it something else? Is he just not into me? I have so many questions, but I never get any answers. Every time he leaves, he leaves me with more questions than before. He disappears. Then he comes back. Then he disappears again. Comes back. Up down. High low. All the time. I don't know how to react anymore. Let alone how to think. He lifts me up and then he brings me down.
Does he even realize? I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. Last time I told myself I had enough. I couldn't take it anymore. It was the last time, I would turn my heart into stone. Months pass by, but I can't get him out of my head. But there he was. Out of the blue. And all the walls I had built in my defense, they crumbled within a blink of an eye. The lies I had told to protect myself, well they were just lies. Time for learning, why have I not learnt a thing?
I can keep on telling myself I don't need him. I can be okay without him. But I just want to know more. I want to know him better. I want to stand a chance. I don't know anymore. I don't know what he wants, if he wants anything at all. I can only guess. But I know I can't just forget about him. The one that got away. It's him. But I don't think he realizes. My heart is reaching out to him. But his silence is painful. So here I go again. Step by step. Brick by brick. I'm building it up again. My walls of protection. Next time, I won't let him in. Or will I...?